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What is wrong with me?
I am completely stuck in my life and I feel like I have nowhere else to go. I just turned 18 years old on Saturday and I thought that would help me realize that I am growing up. For those of you who are quick to judge, let me tell you a little about my problem.
When I was younger (11 ish years old), I was extremely mature for my age. My parents would always frustrate me and they never made me feel as if I was mature, because I was so young. Of course, I was immature because I had only been around for so long. Regardless, it had always frustrated me that I could never convey my feelings to them, because I never had the vocabulary to do so. I knew what I had wanted to say, but I didn't know how to say it. This has continued for years.
When I started growing up around my mid teen years, I would try so hard to talk to girls and stuff, but I was way too "weird" for them, because I had the mentality of someone so much older. This became built up inside of me and made me depressed. Yes, I was depressed at a young age. My family and I used to do so many things together. We used to have money and were able to go on vacations and stuff (all of this I very vaguely remember), but I knew we were happy. We were always close and I always convinced my family to play board games together. I, in essence, was happy back then. I still had problems with kids teasing me in school, never being able to find a girl, being ugly, not having freedoms, being unaccepted by most (if not all people).
Now that I have grown older, I have so many things on my mind and try so hard to do everything that I can that I can't process my own thoughts and my damn life is passing me by. I'm only 18 years old, a high school senior that's graduating in two damn weeks. And what do I worry about? Not making myself happy, that's for damn sure. I worry about my family's debts (since we used to make a lot of money, we have a large house and the payments are killing us, along with the other 70,000 dollars we have in credit card debt that just keep building), my mother's happiness and well being, my father has multiple-scleurosis (MS) and I fear for his personality and life, my brother is a paramedic and a firefighter and he works so damn often. When he's at home, he usually treats me like I'm some kind of dumbass that will never amount to anything. The problem with that is that I always looked up to him when I was younger. I was too blind to see that he treated me this way, so I just took it and went on. I go to him for everything and he still insults me every chance he gets. I never feel like I have any freedoms, I feel as if I'm confined to my own home. My mother owns a business where I work at, and I don't make sh*t for money. I got a car last year that was way overpriced for what it is. It has had so many problems that my family and I have put more money in to it than what it's worth. It's not fast nor does it have good fuel economy. It's a lose/lose situation. All I'm working for is gas to get to work.
I was recently diagnosed with ADD and I feel like such a failure for having to take medication to get me through the day. I finally convinced my mother that she should get looked at too and now she is on medication as well. She always yells at me when I suggest that I may need a higher dose and says "you seem like you've been doing just fine to me", and it really irritates the living hell out of me, because she is NOT me. If I feel as if something's nessecary, I should be able to act on it. I don't have a passion anymore. My passion was guitar. I want to get a better guitar, but I don't have the money. I want a better, nicer, faster or more fuel efficient car, but I don't have the money. I want to do well in school but I can't because I can't think straight because of all the stress. The fact that I take medication adds to the stress and I feel as if I'm just some kind of low-life that has to take meds in order to think. I feel like a failure. I want to be a police officer, but my mother doesn't want me to be one. She sees me "working with people like a reporter". Well I don't want to do that. I want to take risks and take chances. I want to enjoy my childhood while it's still here. I am at a wall. It's to the point where I am developing hypertension, depression, elevated anxiety and I'm starting to become a zombie. I have never felt accomplished or successful in my entire God-forsaken life. I have lost 50.4 pounds because I hate the way I look. I'm not satisfied. People compliment me. I'm not satisfied. I have not felt true happiness in so long that this is literally beginning to kill me.
So I never really think about myself or making ME happy. And when I do, I can't because I feel guilty or anxious about something. I feel empty inside. I feel like no one really understands me. That I am
This isn't even half of the story. It's all a vicious circle and I can't take it anymore. I can't live my life in vain. I can't think, can't talk, can't write, can't make music, can't learn, can't make money, can't talk to people, can't enjoy life, can't talk to my own f*cking family, make any friends, make new friends, can't relax, can't sit back and think, can't sleep, can't smile, can't love, can't explain my problems because I'm always at a loss for words. I am slipping. I can't believe I'm resorting to Yahoo! Answers for closure. I just want to cry but if I cry then I'll feel better for a few minutes and it will all come rushing back to me again, which will drive me even more nuts. I need help. I'm not suicidal, I don't cut myself, I'm not stupid. I couldn't even think of suicide. I just want to know why I feel so angry, so insecure, so frustrated, anxious, tense, uptight, s
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